When it comes to understanding, manipulating, and controlling government, no one does it better than large corporations.
Sure, there are many special-interest groups who are also strong (in fact, if a modern-day Hitler should aspire to be president, he won’t be able to do it without the support of the pro-Israel lobby).
Still, corporations are far-and-away the best when it comes to making sure that no matter who wins an election, they’re still in control.
This is evident in the practice many companies have of giving money to both Democratic and Republican candidates. They wisely invest in both sides so that no matter who Florida mistakenly checks off, the levers of power are still firmly placed within their shareholders’ pockets.
As individuals, we should look to our wise corporations for a similar strategy in preparing for the upcoming election.
Most of us don’t have private jets, wads of cash or other nice gifts to give to politicians. But what we can do is make contingency predictions and plans for what to do when either Barack Obama or John McCain wins.
CONTINGENCY NO. 1: OBAMA VICTORY
Obama is currently ahead in the polls, and is very likely to win.
Just in case he does, the wise citizen should begin reading books that will prepare him or her for the changes to come—such as The Communist Manifesto, or George Orwell’s Animal Farm. And while it is not openly discussed, marijuana will probably be legalized. At first, it will be legal to smoke only during gay weddings.
But soon after, everyone will be puffing away as they wait in bread lines or queue around government-run health clinics to get flu vaccines donated to the U.S. from Sudan.
To prepare oneself for this new, ultra-liberal society, it is recommended that people burn their Bibles.
An Obama win will mean religion is dead. Not only will abortions be legal, but if you have one, you’ll also receive a coupon for a free Thanksgiving turkey at Albertson’s. If you simply must have some form of organized worship (other than Obamanism) in your life, try becoming a Wicca.
Also, if Obama wins—look for Jessie Jackson to enroll in veterinary school.
CONTINGENCY NO. 2: MCCAIN VICTORY
A McCain victory will mean that the entire nation will spend four years with Guns ‘n Roses’ “Welcome to the Jungle” stuck in their heads.
The nation will have voted and decided that it’s time to kick the entire world’s ass—and lower the capital gains tax.
His win signifies that the country likes its team, but thinks that the old coach sucked (George W.), and that it’s time to bring in a wily veteran to get us back to the Super Bowl.
To prepare for a McCain presidency, you don’t have to do any reading—though you should definitely start doing some pushups. No matter if you’re a man or woman, chances are you’ll be drafted into the military to defend freedom by invading Iran, Russia, Pakistan, and Vietnam again—just for old-time’s sake. Also, a McCain victory will probably create a lot of good, middle-class jobs in places like Harlem, Detroit and Compton. However, most of these jobs will be with local fire departments, extinguishing cars and replacing storefront windows.
So as you can see, no matter who wins the election, with the right preparation, it can feel as if absolutely nothing has changed.
Jeremy Greenberg is a writer, comedian and resident of Kirkland. He is the author of the Relative Discomfort: The Family Survival Guide (Andrews McMeel). Learn more at www.relativediscomfort.com
