I have to admit that ever since the Reverend Jesse Jackson threatened to castrate Barack Obama, I’ve been in a spiritual funk.

First of all, when will the black-on-half-black violence end? I thought our society had moved beyond that.

Secondly, how is one supposed to have faith when a reverend condescends to such base competitiveness? It shook my entire sense of self, and since then, I just haven’t felt connected to the universe.

That is, until about a week ago, when I purchased something that renewed my spirit and sense of meaning: a Smartphone (I won’t mention the name of the particular phone I got, but let’s just say that if Uncle Sam sung a song, it’d be about how much he loved to play blackjack).

For those who don’t know, a Smartphone is a cell phone that can receive and send email, as well as connect with a computer. If your phone can’t do that, then you have a Stupidphone. Of course, that’s not politically correct. What I mean to say is that your phone is connectively challenged (or perhaps the tests that determine the intelligence of one’s phone are culturally biased towards POP-email standards).

Anyway, like a good soul who has found the light, I feel it is my duty to proselytize the greatness that the Smartphone can bring to one’s life:

• Calendar synching: Are you unsure about what you should be doing with your life? I used to feel like I never knew if I was using my time wisely until I started scheduling everything in my calendar. Now, when I’m at 7-11 looking at magazines, and my phone buzzes with the reminder “3:30 p.m.: Look at Magazines,” I know I’m exactly where I need to be.

• GPS: Do you ever feel adrift in life? With the GPS feature, I take comfort in the fact that there are satellites in the heavens guiding me towards my earthly destination — even if that destination is the flea market.

• Cellphone e-mail: If you’ve ever felt hemmed in by the constraints of complete sentences and proper punctuation, a Smartphone frees you to never capitalize names or “i,” or bother yourself with periods and commas. And you need not worry about confusing the reader of e-mails sent from your Smartphone. Many phones automatically include a message at the bottom of your mail that reads, “This sentence fragment has been sent to you from a Verizon Wireless Blackberry.”

• QWERTY keyboard: Do you ever stare at your hands and wonder why on Earth humans have fingernails? Well, it may have taken gazillions of years of evolution, but we finally have an answer: to use our microscopic, Smartphone QWERTY keyboards. We are reminded that everything in life has a purpose. In another thousand years, I’m sure that we’ll learn that our appendix, far from being useless, can in fact boost Wi-Fi signals.

So, my good brethren, if you ever feel like you have no anchor in this chaotic world of ours, just remember that out there somewhere is a really cool piece of technology, just waiting to provide your life meaning — or at least distract you for a while.

Jeremy Greenberg is a writer, comedian and an Eastside resident. He is the author of Relative Discomfort: The Family Survival Guide (Andrews McMeel). Learn more at HYPERLINK “http://www.relativediscomfort.com”www.relativediscomfort.com.