There is something very toxic in the idea that apologizing is weak; there is something very ugly in the fact we teach women to say “sorry” before speaking but we teach men that “sorry” can never leave their lips. There is something very very rancid here, a rotting thing that doesn’t allow men to forgive others and themselves for a wrong behavior, instead forcing them to wade in guilt and distance themselves for past mistakes rather than talking it out. In the fact women are expected to apologize for existing.

In the fact people don’t know when to say “I’m sorry, I was wrong.” To step down from the fight. When enough is enough. I know so many parents who have never once apologized to their children, no matter the argument. No matter what was said. I know so many children who are permanently marked by this, because even though eventually the air cleared, the wound was never stitched. I know teachers who don’t know how to admit they did something wrong, that they made a mistake; who punish their students for bringing it up. I know plenty of people in the media’s eye who are unwilling to thoughtfully and genuinely apologize, instead sticking to defensive insults to protect themselves. How many families are permanently broken because someone can’t pick up the phone and say “sorry”? How many relationships have been torn apart, how many friendships have been wounded. We are not taught how to deliver an apology that matters, either. So many people try to say “sorry” and find themselves hurt because the other person doesn’t forgive them. So many people say “sorry” and somehow end up using it as a way to excuse and justify their behavior rather than as a way to try and heal the other person.

It is OK you had a bad day. It is OK to say, “I had a bad day, I’m sorry I yelled.” What you say after that is more important. I know so many people who stop there, who say, “Besides, you were being annoying,” who make it worse. Just keep going. “That was wrong of me. I didn’t mean what I said, I don’t feel that way. Are you OK?” and then let them talk. They might still be angry. It’s OK. People don’t need to forgive you right away.

Apologizing doesn’t make you seem weak. It is not “powerless.” Admitting you were wrong is something very brave to do. It is swallowing your pride. I know often there’s a lot of really sad discussions that happen after an argument has worn down and you’ve apologized – discussions maybe you’re not ready to have. That’s what makes saying sorry so important: you show your jugular vein.

Swaleha Masude

Redmond